So it’s over. Another hope dashed. Another sun set. All the troubles, quarrelling, nights filled with tears and despair finally over. And love, broken. Yet again. After all the prayers, hope, faith! Puff. All gone.
But it’s time to be honest. Do I really feel sad? Do I really feel bad? Am I heartbroken? The answer to all 3 questions is definitely no. I’m not sad. I don’t feel bad. I actually feel relieved. I’m definitely not heartbroken. I actually feel like a bird that has just been released from bondage. I’m testing and stretching my wings. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I’ve never felt better.
When all you’ve felt for more than 3 months is confusion and deep sadness, you feel like you’re standing on a mountain with your arms stretched out and the breeze caressing your body. That’s how I feel. Yes, there were good times. But when you can’t remember the good times and have a vague recollection of the times you both laughed, you should know there’s trouble. Big trouble.
It wasn’t always like this. But all I really remember, with vivid clarity are the troubled times. Times in which I begged and begged for things I had no idea about, the times I asked for forgiveness for sins I didn’t know if I had committed. Imagine apologizing for someone else’s bad mood and him acting like you should have apologized earlier or apologized more. Times I desperately wished I could read his mind and fathom out how to please him. Times in which I felt like my very existence was an irritable circumstance to him.
Those were really bad times. But that was not what the crux of the matter was. The real problem was that I completely lost myself. I had such low confidence in myself that even though I knew that it was killing the inner me, I felt I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt powerless. It was crazy. Me! Who prided herself on her inner strength and ability to always know herself! I didn’t even know myself anymore. The most painful were times I felt since he didn’t like me, I had to be someone else. Someone else that he could like. I felt like something was wrong with me if he couldn’t like me. I knew I had hit rock bottom but I felt I didn’t have the strength to crawl back up. Hmmm. The mighty power of our thoughts!!!
The minute I stopped thinking like that, I had the strength to move mountains. Problem was, he didn’t like my new found strength. But I had realized from being at rock bottom for a long time that I deserved better. That I deserved to be happy; that I deserved a man who saw and thought of me as being wonderful because I was. I was a new person and he didn’t like it, tough luck!!!
Don’t get it wrong. I didn’t fall out of love with him, I simply fell back in love with myself. If he couldn’t see the beautiful side of me, that was his palaver. I was seeing the fabulously fantastic being that was me and nobody could change that. This was the me that had gone through so much and yet stands tall and strong. The me, I was so proud of.
Now I’ve realized that love takes different forms. But it’s always a choice. Our choice. To stay in an unhappy relationship or to realize that we deserve better and walk out. It’s always our choice. We may not choose what happens but we can definitely choose how we react to the things that happen to us. Happiness is a conscious choice and that choice is ours. I made my choice and I couldn’t be happier.