I didn’t plan to write my first article this late into the year. Hell, it’s the second week of February. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been procrastinating about writing, but then what else is new. Y’all know I’m a lazy ass. And we like it that way right?*shines my white teeth*
It’s the season of love! Love is the greatest gift God has given us so Happy Valentine ’s Day beautiful people. Cheers to love!!! For the first time in a long while, I’m really and truly in a happy place, at peace with myself and at peace with the world. Nah, ex-boyfriends don’t apply. I have to have someone to be bitter about na. Come on! I’m not become such a good girl overnight. A measure of badness is required to be me. If not, the tattoo would have been an effort in futility.
Talking about places, I didn’t magically drop into this place. It involved a process and different phases. Sad to say, the phases were more painful than I care to remember. But mostly, the most important thing was my willingness to let things go. It involved a process of standing up, putting my affairs in order and walking out. I was reluctant about it, delayed it for as long as I could but eventually had to.
The thing about walking out is that we are usually scared of the unknown. What if the future is worse than where I am now? What if this is where I’m meant to be? What if all it takes is to try a little harder? What if things become worse if I leave? Won’t I be a quitter if I leave? What if I’m not strong enough? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail in the next one as well? What if no one supports me? What if this and what if that? I’ve been there and I’ve done all that. It didn’t work for me. It might work for you but somehow, things are never really very easy for me.
Last year was pretty tough. Infact I learnt the biggest lesson about letting go. I had to walk away from a life I had created for myself, a world I had built with sweat, blood and tears and leave everything I had ever known. The worst part of it all was the feeling of loneliness and failure. I felt like a big failure. I felt like I could do nothing right. I felt like I had achieved absolutely nothing. I felt like the only person in the world.
I felt like this though I stood up straight and proud in public and around people so nobody knew how I felt. I automatically smiled when people smiled at me but at night, I laid down and asked God why with tears streaming down my face. People saw a beautiful, friendly girl and all I saw was a bloody failure. From mountain of fire prayer sessions (That’s a story for another day) to being too mad at God to bother with church, I went through the whole phase but in the end, I could not deny the fact that I couldn’t go on that way.
Changes had to be made, albeit painful ones. So I boxed up everything I had known and loved, offered it up for sale, packed my bags, moved to another city and refused to even think about it. To hell with closure! What the heck is that anyway? I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to miss it. All questions were smartly deflected and friendships grew stale because I wasn’t willing to talk about anything concerning myself. I wanted to be left alone. Thank God for people who understood and gave me space while letting me know I had their support and love, no matter what. Above all, thank God for his grace. Grace is amazing, I tell you.
Now, its February, barely 3 months after I packed my bags feeling like a cowardly failure with my tails (I had like 3) tucked firmly between my legs in my combat shorts and I am experiencing a whole new life. Has it been easy? A piece of cake? No! It had its really bad moments. But that has not been the case for a while now. Its been really good! I’ve fallen in love (as usual), fallen out of love (as usual again), forced myself to come to terms with my bitter past, currently learning new things, experiencing a very different world, have new toasters (*tongue out to my ex-es* It can pain!), gained intimacy with my Creator and I’m not breaking stride. It is a whole new place, new feelings of contentment and happiness and I am soaking it all up. And guess what? I’m so glad I made the decision; I’m the happiest I’ve been in years.
Now what did I learn? Letting go is a brave act! Its not cowardly and its definitely not for the fainthearted. It takes tons of courage, bravery and faith. A wise person once said, ‘courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to go on inspite of it’. The ability to go on inspite of the fear, insecurity and doubt is the greatest courage of all. Stop trying to mend fences that just can’t be, stop trying to delude yourself into thinking you can’t exist without it. ‘For God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind’(2Tim 1:7). There’s nothing wrong with being afraid but remember He that is in you is far greater than whatever it is you are afraid of, even the unknown. I can’t apologise for sounding like those fiery preachers who take free rides inside commercial buses and pour spit all over you if you are unfortunate enough to sit close to them but all I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I haven’t seen. So be of good courage! Hold your head up high! Let go…and let God!