It happened to me!

DV.jpg

It was NE who summarized my thoughts in a few words. I didn’t even know that it was what I’d been thinking, but the minute he said it, it hit straight home. “In 2016, I don’t know what is going on, if it’s more publicity or more women speaking out but our men are cowardly and weak and they are seriously misbehaving”. I agreed. But it was while lying down and watching TV with Jaden Lee sitting on my head (he loves to sit on my head; he probably thinks it’s his personal stool. Lol) did it occur to me that this was a man stating the obvious. Not making excuses, not justifying what cannot be justified and standing with them in confused solidarity. Men like these are not many, I tell you. I should know, it’s the first topic of discussion with male folks these days.

When my marriage collapsed, that was when I realized that most women were suffering in silence. It was amazing how confident women became to share marital issues with me. It was strange. Now they can tell you the shocking truths about their marriage. Previously, when I complained, they’d tell me that all men were the same. I strongly disagreed; still do. Mind you, I did not say men were perfect but they were not all the same. There are good men and they are bad men. Wrong is wrong and right is right, simple! Then they would utter some vague words and unsolicited advice, majoring bordering on ‘bearing it’ and praying about it and telling you to work on yourself. I have little patience for that these days.  I usually just shut it down firmly. I don’t have time for nonsense. No more. I took it for 2 years. But no more. Hug me instead if you have nothing useful to say.

The last time I took such utterances lightly was at Iponri Police station where I had gone to lay a complaint and ask for the arrest of Imoh. I remember the woman. Leaning lazily over the counter, she had this air of ‘I don’t care’ and threw condescending sideway looks at me while I complained to another officer behind the counter. I punctuated each complaint with tears. Imoh would have been shocked to see me cry. I never let him see me cry; I never gave him that satisfaction. I remained stoic through it all, defiant. I would break down and weep in the bathroom when he was done hitting me but never in front of him. It was not deliberate or a conscious action, I guess the essence of who I was refused to bow down to him or allow him break me. How he had hated that stoicism and dry eyes. Maybe I should have cried. Maybe that was my offence but I digress.

After a particularly lengthy pause in which I sobbed while my friend held my uncharacteristically quiet baby, she suddenly said, “My dear, better go back and beg your husband. Tell him to forgive you and forget. You are too young for divorce o. You don’t know what you are saying. Go back and beg my friend. All you young girls sef!” I looked at Omos and she looked at me. I asked “Am I also not too young to die?” “Na you know that one. Go and beg him. You will not die”. I was shocked. I was stunned. I was speechless. Me, a hyper, talkactive person just could not remember any sound. “Ehn? What? This is the reason men beat their wives! Is that what you’re telling me? You, a Police officer? How can you tell me that? For what?” I walked out of the station, shaking with anger and called the DPO.

Hmmmmm! Imoh had been right. He had said “if you like, go to the Police. I will deny everything. Is it not money? Is it not money that the Police want? Bring them. Go and call the police. All my friends beat their wives; it’s not a big deal. The wives know not to do stuff that will get them a beating. It is not a new thing. Stupid woman”. If the Police ask you to go beg an abusive man, then what help is there really? A police woman for that matter! Even as I write, I am still surprised. What was I expecting though? Compassion or sympathy? Did I expect them to swoop to the house and arrest him? Did I expect them to hug me and ask if I was okay? Should they have asked to see my bruises and injuries; old and new? What exactly did I expect them to do? In all honesty, I don’t know. I have never been beaten before now so I don’t know what I should have expected. I don’t know what I expected them to do but I sure did not expect them to ask me to go beg a man who had just beaten me till I passed out and continued hitting me as I laid on the floor, still and unmoving. A man who after I was revived by a friend brought a wire and wanted to flog me? The police asked me to go and beg him.

So yes! There’s a lot more publicity, thank God. There are a lot more women speaking out. A lot more people are involving themselves in issues like this, helping the woman and giving her a voice. In some cases, helping her find justice. For these, I am truly grateful. I am aware that a lot of women have died. I could have died actually. He told me he wanted to kill me; repeatedly and at different times! He’s squeezed my neck so hard I couldn’t breathe and had bruises round my neck. I thought I would when he shattered the glass window upstairs with my head and blood poured all over me and Jaden Lee whom I was carrying. He was just 4 months old then. He’d gotten angry that he’d been punching my head and that ‘it refused to break’. This my head! My head happily blocked and covered my precious infant son when it realised that some punches were falling on him too. Remembering Jaden’s screams and the blood all over him still brings tears to my eyes, even as I write this. Oh, my golden, precious boy, I am so sorry! But die, I did not. God knew the suffering that a motherless child passes through; I know because I am one. He loves Jaden Lee and I too much for that to happen.

I am aware that a lot of women are suffering same, not exactly sure who to contact or what to do. I didn’t either. You are not supposed to talk about these things. You are expected to stay silent; don’t let people know your business or what goes on in your home. You are expected to pray. A lot.  A lot of women who chose to exit these bondages and have found life to be hard and unyielding. Some being asked, “na me say make your husband dey beat you?’ A lot, begging for sustenance for themselves and their children (in cases where the children were not taken away from them). Too many! Sadly, too many!

It happened to me! I married a monster and I thought he was a man.

 

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56 thoughts on “It happened to me!

  1. Damn. This is terrible. I’m so sorry that you went through all that pain and hurt.

    Yes, in recent years more women are speaking out and being stronger, and it’s a good thing. A lot of us men are really misbehaving.

    Please leave that man and that marriage. Save yourself and your baby.

    You’ll find friends and good people who will help you survive.

      1. Eseosa, i missed you after you got married. You were my Twitter bestie. I was happy for you and I wished you the best.
        It is devastating to see this happening to you. I am so sorry. Pls reach my anytime if you need anything. I am in full support of you walking away. I still miss you though

  2. It also happened to me, when I saw your picture it reminded me of me in those days when I was going through domestic violence in the hands of a #monster.

    1. Hi Stella,

      *big hug* Thank God we survived.

      That isn’t my picture. I got it from google for the article. Imoh has my phone where I have pictures. He has refused to release it.

  3. So sorry to hear your story but so grateful to God you and the baby are doing fine. You are a voice for many women. I hope you have taken legal actions against this beast? Have you heard about Due Process Advocate? Please check out the group page on Facebook, you will be amazed what can be done in 24 hours. Welldone sister.!

  4. Really wen i strated reading your story i cryed because your husand is a better killer than a lover my advice for u is to run for life

  5. It happened to me too, it stopped at some point and then the abuses became more emotional and psychological. I know I need to leave but I don’t know how. Where do I start from? when I remember that his people will most certainly take my kids away if I leave the marriage, I just stay rooted. It’s a terrible thing

    1. I’m so sorry about what you are going through. I stayed for so long because quite honestly, I had nowhere to go. I stopped working when I was 6 months pregnant and I had no money. But when it started affecting my little boy, I knew I had to get out! I would do anything for my son. I would beg and carry head pans at construction site and I would live under the bridge if it came to that. So after the last episode, I didn’t look back. I had no clothes and just N5000. My son wore the same clothes for 2 days and I attended the interview for my current job in borrowed clothes. I went to ministry of justice in borrowed clothes. He finally allowed his cousin to bring us some clothes after 3 days. He sent us money just this Monday for the first time since November 2016. But we have been living, and quite happily too.

      You know the right thing to do. You, only you can make that choice. What will your children’s future be like if they grow up in an abusive home? Would that not be mortgaging their future? Those were the questions that I asked myself and I could NOT for anything mortgage my son’s future for a marriage that had become bondage.

      Do what you think is best. It is never easy. Send me an email at ogbeide3030@yahoo.com *big hug*

      1. I can relate so well with ur story. It happened to me as well. I lived with a man that abused me financially and emotionally for 8years. Then gradually it became physical. He capitalized on the fact that I was from a broken home. He knew I didn’t want it for my children but a year ago, he beat me up I landed in d hospital. A year after, am no more with him. The fear of how to survive held me down for 8years. But u know what, at the time of that last beating, I told myself I would survive any how with my 2 beautiful children. Today I can proudly say I am in a better place than I was last year. FEAR I would say, holds women down more than what they think the society wl say.
        @distressed!!!, please look for help. Confide in someone, do d needful. Save urself and save ur children. Stay blessed

  6. I’m going to comment and even share this because it absolutely broke my heart to hear all you had to endure. Worse still is the fact that Imoh is like family to us…this makes his behavior even more disgusting. Above all, as I said when I spoke with you, no one should have to endure violence and babrism in marriage. That is and never will be part of the package. I know it was an almost impossible decision you took but I’m very happy you found the strength to take it. I can’t promise you it’ll be easy breezy from here but I can promise you that your new found purpose from here on out will bring you the fulfillment that totally douses any other unpleasant variable in the scheme of things. You’re a strong woman and maybe now you know why God built you that way, He doesn’t make mistakes. Keep your head up my darling, you and Aize will be alright. Hell! Let’s celebrate your emancipation!
    Xoxo

    1. Oh May! Your comment actually brought tears to my eyes. I am so emotional today. Maybe because of the torrents of reactions that have been pouring in. I panicked when I saw this article on LIB. I never expected so much publicity; I was just sharing and opening my heart on my blog. How many people read my blog?!. Then this morning, I was shown an Anonymous comment from Imoh. I know it’s him because he mentioned certain things that he’s mentioned to me before and used the same words. But it’s okay. You know me and you know Imoh. Heck, i knew you through Imoh. So thank you for your kind words; they do mean a lot.

      So much judgement. I just told a friend that it’s far easier to pack and move on thank to speak out on issues like this. Its so draining and emotionally exhuasting, especially in a society where it’s taken as the normI Some say I should have been more submissive and respectful. Sometimes I would say a quick prayer before I engaged in conversation with Imoh. I slept in Aize’s room. When he beats me up and keeps malice afterwards, I still cook and serve his food. What exactly should I have done that I didn’t do?

      Thank God for friends and family. Should I have remained silent because I’m at his parent’s house presently before my house gets ready? His family didn’t beat me up. I have no quarrel with his family. I love them and they love me. Does that make me a liar? Does that make everything okay? Does that justify anything? Why is okay for Imoh to talk and it’s not for me? I am the victim here. If I were so bad a wife, would his parents open their house and hearts to me? They’re his parents. Why would they let me in? I was at a friend’s. They asked me to come. They’ve shown me nothing but love.

      May dear, I am soooooo tired of it all! I wish I never got married! I wish I could turn back the hands of time! I wish I could pick up my son and just disappear from it all!

      But I can’t. Life goes on!

  7. Sometimes I don’t believe all these lame stories here. I’ve once dated a divorcee and she told me how her ex used to beat her and I believed her and told her I was going to marry her. Three months into the relationship we had a minor disagreement and this lady became something else. She lashed out at me screamed at me and even embarrassed me in public. Her ex husband wasn’t working and she was the one footing his bills at that time and I’m sure the girl must have victimised the guy at home and the guy couldn’t help but beat her at the slightest provocation. I imagined myself in the shoes of the poor guy after this lady changed and started insulting me and all. Before one demon of a woman pushes me to start hitting a woman, I simply walked out of the relationship. Before you post a write-up about your ex husband here Madam, what did you do to provoke him because he could also be a victim of verbal abuse from you. I don’t trust all these women that come online to spew thrash about their ex.

    1. Thanks Mr Froddo.

      List of things that could and did sometimes get me a beating include:
      1) I didn’t have a job so I was not contributing to the family’s income
      2) I watched TV. I didn’t have a TV when he met me
      3) All I did was cook, bake and take care of the baby
      4) I posted too much on Facebook
      5) When I said ‘Hug me’, I didn’t say ‘please’
      6) I said I believed it was the man who should pay the school fees for a child (I was still pregnant then)
      7) I was too close to his mother
      8) When he asks what I would do if he suddenly died and I said ‘God forbid. You won’t die in Jesus name’
      9) When I made the bed without an underlay. Same goes for pillows.
      10) When the windows or rug or walls were dirty, it meant I didn’t know how to direct the house help
      11) When the baby rolled too much at night and disturbed his sleep
      12) When I paid for movies and invited him. Did I not know he had a meeting?
      13) When I help him change his flat tire when he is out of town and put the spare. Did I not know that spare tires were fragile and did not last?
      14) When I have any opinion different from his (What do I know except how to be useless) and when I don’t have any opinion (I don’t know anything)
      15) When I say wealth isn’t gotten by hard work alone, God’s grace is needed. Is it God that is attending meetings with him?
      16) If we made too much sounds and woke him up before 9am. I sleep in the baby’s room. That’s if he slept there too
      17) I gave him too much food
      18) Why can’t I use my salary to take care of the house (I was still working then)? Why should he drop money for housekeeping?
      19) When I use another bank’s atm instead of his bank’s when he sends me to the atm
      20) When I keep quiet when he’s talking (I’m ignoring him) and when I talk when he’s talking (I’m talking back at him)
      21) When I give the baby too much milk. And why must it be Aptamil?
      22) When I refused to give birth in his dad’s hospital and I insisted on another
      23) When we walk for 5 hours in Dubai because he refused to use a taxi and I refused to do it again because my knees were not the same for days
      24) The baby’s toys are too colorful. They are spoiling the ambiance of the house. Why can’t I buy black and brown toys?
      25) When he hears me crying in the locked bathroom

      I hope with these few points of mine, I have been able to prove that I did not come online to spew thrash about my ex.

      Thank you though, for taking me down memory lane.

      1. Sorry dear sometimes some men are useless but women contributes to these things too. I’ve experienced it first hand and I know how irritating some women could be. Getting married these days is scary. Women of nowadays are caught up between Hollywood and reality. I won’t support domestic violence in any form but Nigerian women should get their butter together as well. I hope you find peace being alone and Pls learn from your mistakes coz I’m sure your ex has always been a jackass but you still went along to marry him. Thank God you shared you story for those sorry ladies out there that always make lame excuses for their violent boyfriends. They’ll end up with a violent man and Yea maybe another divorce in the bag

      2. Gbam, you are just too much. mr Mr Froddo, she do not deserve to be beaten by her spouse, what she did or didn’t do doesn’t matter.

        my benin sister i love you and i am praying for you.

    2. So she provoked him and therefore deserved the beating yeah? Just negodu. Exactly how she started this article. Men following men in blind solidarity.

  8. So sorry you went through all these dear. May God heal you, grant you more courage and strength, comfort you, make your future more beautiful and use you to help other abused women.

  9. I’ve known Imoh for about 7 years though we lost touch just before he got married. He never came across as a wife beater. Impatient, yes!! Gender equality fighter, oh yes!, frugal, amen!!……..
    People change and you never truly understand someone till you start to live with them.
    I’m torn. I barely know you but i had gone through your instagram page and your hashtags were the most hilarious. All i saw was a girl in love with both her son and her husband.
    What went wrong? At what point did the love fade, when did it get irreparable?
    There is no excuse for a man who beats a lady..absolutely none. No woman should go through physical abuse much less verbal abuse.
    No man should either my dear.
    From your comment above, I can see we are a little alike. I used to have a terrible temper. I always wanted my voice to be heard. Having a voice isn’t a bad thing, knowing when and where to speak is the evil.
    I can imagine the hurtful things he said to you, oh he probably was on the verge of breaking your spirit (I’ve been there) and to show your strength, you may have given it back to him, fire for fire.
    The pain you must feel now, the broken trust, all your dreams of “ever after” coming to an end…
    Eseosa, beautiful, courageous, assertive, stubborn Eseosa, God loves you my dear. He loves every bit of you. He gave you a beautiful son(The future UN Sec Gen, if i remember correctly).He gave you a big heart and he gave you forgiveness.*dont roll your eyes just yet*

    Remember i said there is no excuse for domestic violence…. but there is love
    Do not harden your heart to it my dear..but do not also give it freely. Take your time to heal, to grow and experience peace and then forgive.
    It doesn’t matter how long it takes.

    I hope Imoh gets to read this too. He also needs a time out to realize that life isn’t just about his brilliant mind and making money. Its about living, giving, loving, acceptance, patience, tolerance and maturity .

    1. The world needs more Andreas (less Mr Froddos)
      Reading your comment pushed down the unshed tears from reading the main post and list of things that earn beatings.
      I sincerely hope the positivity and balance you exhibited here never runs out. Xoxo

  10. i wanted to write alot but i know what i would need ; A Hug, a smile, a prayer, support. cyber hug darling. you will do great. believe me

  11. Oh my! I just saw this now.l had no idea this happened to you. Just saw your post on Instagram, and had to click the link on your bio because I didn’t quite understand. Oh wow! Am still shocked.I read this story now and I was trembling as I was reading. I am short of words right now, don’t even know what to say.

    May God uplift you beyond your expectations dear. Don’t worry dear, it is well with you.

  12. I’m so sorry Eseosa. I cried reading this, but above all I am happy u found the strength to get away from that beast . I helped a friend in a similar situation last year so I can almost say I understand what you are going through. Eseosa that experience doesn’t define you
    .You are made for greatness. Someone will worship the ground you walk on, you will be cherished, you will love again.

  13. I don’t know why reading this made me cry so hard. I’m so sorry for everything you had to put up with. I came over from instablog and reading this just makes me so mad. I pray God comforts you.

    You’re definitely on the right path so I’d just say, take time to heal, take time to trust again. Take time to find you!

    God bless you!
    A

  14. My dear lady… Are you talking about the same Imoh I know? Well.. I haven’t set eyes on him in a while… But I am highly shocked and surprised at what you are saying… It’s a pity though and personally Dv is a terrible thing… Take heart… It’s well… It’s better to leave than to die… If it’s not working and serious Dv sets in… Then using the door is d only smart option…. Please email me. I would like to discuss a few things with you. Thanks.

  15. My dear lady… Are you talking about the same Imoh I know? Well.. I haven’t set eyes on him in a while… But I am highly shocked and surprised at what you are saying… It’s a pity though and personally Dv is a terrible thing… Take heart… It’s well… It’s better to leave than to die… If it’s not working and serious Dv sets in… Then using the door is d only smart option…. Please email me. I would like to discuss a few things with you. Thanks.

      1. Imoh was nice easy going guy in secondary school… I wonder what happened. Well.. I read Mr Froddos write up and well he has a point though.. But that is not to say there are no violent men out there who just beat up their spouses for no reason… I have fated a lady who because we had an argument and I went out and left her home all alone got so angry she burnt my property, all my clothes and all and then vandalized my vehicle… Yeah… I came back very early the next day to meet the mess… Didn’t touch her but kept my cool… She came back with police men to arrest me claiming Dv…. Was very funny… A lady who had no mark or bruise on her body… Thank God some of my neighbours saw the whole quarrel and the way I left the compound cos the quarrel was loud… She likes quarrels loud… But then I would tell you to take it easy and be cool.

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